My mother takes serious issue with my foul language. Though I rarely use any curse words around her, my facebook status messages sometimes see an occasional “fuck” or “asshole” creep into the mix. While not as militant about it as my mom, my wife also despises the fact that I use “such language.” I’ve tried to explain to both of them, but my words always fall on deaf ears. One thinks I am just doing it to “be a rebel” against society while the other feels she “raised me better than that.”
To begin, we must examine what is an actual “cuss” word. The majority of so-called bad words are really just vulgar. That means, in days long since past, they were used solely by the poor common class and by the self-described upper crust. Profane words, on the other hand, are words that denigrate God. There’s a big difference between the two, but many people don’t realize that.
Curse words become outlawed by society because of their connotation, not the word itself. . If, for instance, one were to talk about a man from unmarried parents sitting on his donkey watching his female dog give birth, it’s perfectly acceptable to say: The bastard sat on his ass while he watched his bitch give birth. If I uttered that phrase, many would find it reprehensible. The thing is, according to Webster, it is a perfectly legitimate sentence. Another example is the use of the word “frack” in place of “fuck.” The connotation is the same. The inflection is generally the same. The meaning is the same. But “frack” can be said on primetime television with nary an FCC penalty in sight.
I use cuss words as an intensifier. “I can’t fucking stand papyrus” conveys much stronger emotions than “I can’t stand papyrus.” George Washington, while going to war against the British, urged his troops to refrain from “the foolish and wicked practice of profane cursing and swearing.” To me, there are words that are just more hurtful and degrading than “asshole.” I’d much rather be called a “motherfucker” than a coward.
Many people view the use of cuss words as a failure to properly master the English language, ie, “you’re an idiot.” My vocabulary is as big as my ego and I pride myself on my intelligence. Do I break the conventional mold of “foul language = ignorance?” Or do I simply stand as testament that even Einstein probably muttered “holy shit…” when he deduced that E=MC2?
Finally, I suppose I am sort of the “rebel” my wife always accuses me. I’m one of those annoying people that questions everything. I want to know why we wear tuxes to weddings. I need to know why we drive on the right side of the road. I have to understand everything. Someone, somewhere, sometime decided that fuck, bitch, asshole, shit and all the rest of the “dirty” words should be relegated to adults only and even then it was to be frowned upon. I’m not an anti-conformist, but I suppose I just have issues following some rule that was laid down centuries ago by parties unknown. It just doesn’t make any sense.
So, I will go right on cussing and cursing. When my old roommate’s first child is born, I’ll clasp him on the shoulder and spout “that’s fucking awesome, man!” When I stub my toe for the 30th time on our coffee table, I will roar “God dammit! Fucking table!” If my language forces you to see me as a lesser person or one born of some primitive conscience, then I feel sorry for you. Enjoy life. Question everything. Don’t accept society’s conventions if you don’t want to!
-Chad 2
Technically that title is inaccurate. I have not smoked for two weeks now. Giving up my beloved nicotine is easily one of the hardest things I’ve ever attempted to do. Over the past decade, I’ve tried on numerous occasions to quit, but always came crawling back. The longest span I made it without cigarettes? Three months. However, the judges have informed me that this record has been purged due to the discovery that I took up rubbing tobacco during that period. My bad.
Regardless of the industry, every company has their own little sordid secrets it keeps from the world. In the half-dozen jobs or so that I’ve had, I’ve learned that some are harmless (and even beneficial) while others will make you cringe inwardly at the thought.
What began as a Superbowl halftime gimmick will transform into a full-on travesty come September of 2009. Yes ladies and gentlemen, the Lingerie Football League will be hitting networks this upcoming Fall. I distinctly remember watching Superbowl 37 and seeing the commercial for the first Lingerie Bowl: a $50 pay-per-view event which seemed to be nothing more than a softcore porn. My fraternity brothers and I roared our approval and, after a quick phone call, found ourselves watching scantily-clad women line up to play tackle football. In our heads, we imagined every tackle would rip off at least a bra or two and eagerly awaited kickoff.
If you would like to find out more about this league, you can visit their site at 
A week ago, as a couple friends and I sat around drinking cheap beer, we stumbled upon Fox’s Reality Channel. Generally, I would probably just switch to Comedy Central or the History Channel, but the events unfolding this particular stayed my hand. On a show called Man Vs. Beast, I witnessed “competitive eater” 
I can’t function in the morning unless I have a blistering hot shower. And when I say hot, I want that thing to be like fucking lava. By the time I exit the shower, I have the heat wrenched all the way over until it won’t go any further while the cold is completely off. It doesn’t matter if it is 90 degrees or -12, I want scorched skin. As I was soaping up (easy ladies!) one morning, I began to wonder where soap came from. I know Fight Club would have you think it was made of human fat, but strangely I find this might be a stretch. I therefore decided it would be my mission to discover the history and actual use of some everyday bathroom products I use.
Toothpaste: The first references of the use of toothpaste date back to the 4th century in Egypt where a mixture of salt, pepper, mint leaves and iris flowers was used to cleanse the mouth. Other than the Egyptians, everyone else pretty much used a mixture of power and urine to make toothpaste. Some Native Americans used tree stems to brush their teeth while still others used simple rags. The first commercial toothpaste can be traced to roughly 1866 in Britain (go figure) and was made of crushed brick and/or charcoal. Not surprisingly, this concoction did more harm than good.
Soap: Crushing toothpaste by about 2,000 years, the earliest mention of soap was in Babylon around 2800 B.C. where a clay tablet featuring a formula for soap was found (mix water, alkali and cassia oil…whatever all that shit is). Sometime later, say 1550 B.C., it is revealed that the Egyptians bathed regularly using a soap made from a combination of animal and vegetable oils with alkaline salts.
Shaving Cream: Just when I thought it’d be obvious for soap to be the oldest recorded product in my bathroom, I am proved wrong. A rudimentary form of shaving cream, created from wood alkali and animal fat (yum!), was documented in Sumer (modern-day Iraq) around 3000 B.C. And then….that is pretty much it. From what I’ve been able to find out about shaving cream, it was basically nonexistent until fairly recently. Most men used soap to lather up before a shave. It wasn’t until the late 1980′s that shaving cream and gel succeeded in a widespread market.
Cologne: If you want to get technical, the correct term is Eau De Cologne. Though if you called it that to my face, I’d probably think you were a pompous douchebag. This manly perfume originated in Cologne, Germany sometime around 1709. Making cologne is a pretty simple process in itself. You suspend essential oils (flowers, citrus, etc) in a solution which in turn produces an aroma. Think of it as a bodily air freshner. It is the details that make cologne creation difficult. Getting that right blend of oak and citrus can sometimes take years for manufacturers. I am currently an addict of LaCoste’s Essential and believe me, it makes me smell delicious.
I have to know. Women, girls, whatever, please tell me: Do you really find it attractive when men wear women’s jeans? I personally want to kick the shit out of every guy I see wearing these abominations. I understand that on some level, women dress for women, but men should always be dressing for women. I don’t care what Tom thinks of my polo as long as it gets that hot little Colombian in bed with me. And I guess, by my own definition, I’m being hypocritical. I don’t care. I just can’t fathom how anyone thinks these jeans look good on a guy. I don’t even like these so-called “skinny” jeans on girls. The tapered ankle/leg thing just pisses me off to the Nth degree.
Since I’ve received a few questions regarding my experience with Red Octane, I figured I’d give you all an update.
